Right now I’m struggling with money. It’s difficult finding work and creating stability in my life. I had to contact German authorities and ask for help, which of course doesn’t happen over night. My whole existence feels shaky, and it doesn’t bring out the best in me. On the contrary. Desperation is ugly. Then I realised something interesting.
There are many people who claim they have the solution to your problems. “Stay positive” is one of the things they say. When you fear for your life it’s pretty darn difficult to stay positive!
I’m not in that kind of danger, but struggling with a tough financial situation is scary. Actually it’s like opening up a can of worms. Everything comes up.
Something I read made me compare my love life and my work life. The similarities were surprising. Not everything obviously. I have had many short-time employments, but no dito relationships. And the other way around.
I’m talking about on an emotional level.
Not Feeling Valuable Or Valued
Emotionally, like most people, I’ve been hurt. I’ve felt important and needed at work, and in the next moment I’ve been unemployed again. I’ve had hopes and dreams, which have been crushed by the harsh reality.
At this point in my life I’m suspicious. I don’t want to end up hurt again. I want to be loved and I want to be safe. Maybe I want guarantees, but we all know there aren’t any.
If you are afraid of love you won’t find it. If you don’t think you are worthy, nobody else will either. What if love and money were different sides to the same energy?
Forever Hoping, Forever Searching
I’m not sure I will find an interesting job. Ever. I don’t feel needed. I don’t feel seen or appreciated. I never get to show what I can do. Most jobs are so incredibly shallow and boring – and the pay is a joke.
And what about men? Haha. Well… I’m seeing something here, and it’s all connected. I’m not sure there is a place for me in this world, and I’m definitely not sure there is a partner for me out there either.
It might be difficult to understand why I’m so obsessed about finding my dream job. Well, some people marry somebody just for their money. I’m not one of them. I want true love.