So why do I still doubt it? Because it’s quite subtle. I hear whispering in my head. Is it real or wishful thinking? Does it matter what it is? When I am grounded and fully myself it feels just right, but when I’m down then I’m not so sure anymore.
I’ve finished Lilous book, and I am on top again. For a week or more I have felt like such a failure. How could I have been so stupid to spend all my money without having a backup plan?
Yes maybe it was stupid, but I believed in my dream. I followed my heart. I forgive myself for hoping for something better to come along, for trying to build something new. I’ve never done it before.
At this point in my life I had hoped I had at least built a foundation. I had hoped to know where I was going, and how to get there. But I don’t. Or it feels different than expected.
Buying Some Time
At the moment I have started the process to get welfare money here in Germany, and it felt awful having to go there. Not because I felt ashamed, but because I felt like I had failed my dream.
Today I realised, maybe I haven’t failed at all. Maybe I’m buying myself some more time to finish my book? I have almost no work, and it’s a bit strange. It’s like somebody has pulled the brakes on all my projects. There is no logical explanation.
If I get the financial support I need right now, then I will have the time and money to keep on writing. I can’t help but see this as an amazing opportunity.
The doors have opened.