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Looking For a Savior

Am I looking for a savior? Not Jesus or Buddha, but perhaps a (hu)man savior? Someone who could tell me what and who I am? Do I struggle with my identity? Do I wanna ”be” someone in the world? I think the answer to all these questions is – yes.

I think others have said it before me, art is a way to find and connect to the true self. We write, sing, paint or whatever to try and understand ourselves and the world we live in.

In her song ”Crucify” Tory Amos sings:

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

The reason for these new (really?) questions I ask myself was a simple test, The Enneagram. I bought a book years ago to learn about the types. Ended up thinking it was crap, because I couldn’t find mine. I enjoy learning about who I am, through Astrology and Numerology for example, but I didn’t like the Enneagram – until I found no 4 – The Individualist:

The Sensitive, Introspective Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental.

Oh dear, that sounds like me. When I read on it gets ”worse”:

  • Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
  • Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)

That is my quest, finding my true identity. I can see that clearly. When I read the basic fear – ”That they have no identity or personal significance” – a lightbulb switched on in my head. Not significant, that’s how I feel quite often, especially in the job market. Who needs me and my unique talents? There are never any job descriptions that fit. But to feel this way fit my type description.

Who am I?

I can’t say I believe myself to be ”fundamentally different from others”, like The Individualist, but I do have ”a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem”. Thankfully I’m not alone.

People like Frédéric Chopin, Virginia Woolf, Tennessee Williams, Diane Arbus, Billie Holiday, Joni Mitchell, Annie Lennox, Prince, Amy Winehouse, Ingmar Bergman, Lars von Trier, Marlon Brando, Kate Winslet and Johnny Depp are Individualists as well. Nice company!

How does one find one’s true self? Is it a universal and human quest? Does everybody search for their identity? Even as adults? Or is it just me – and all of the people above.

Individualists are also romantics. We believe in princes and princesses, in soulmates, unicorns and happily ever after. Yeah, we even believe in saviors. We want to be swept off our feet, surprised and loved.

Come save me from myself!