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Maybe I’m a Humming Bird

I’m trying too hard! For years now I have been looking for ”my thing”. The kind of work I would love to be doing: my purpose, my calling, my unique assignment in this world. I have found many things, but I still feel lost. Why is that? Most likely because the struggle creates a wall between me and my passions.

I think I’ve said it before, but it’s actually funny I live in the city of ”the wall”, Berlin. This week I went to the cinema to see former Pink Floyd member David Gilmour rock the amphitheatre of Pompeii. (Pink Floyd made the album The Wall by the way.) It was magnificent – and I envied him.

When I watch people doing ”their thing” with passion and drive I start crying. I so long for that. I want to feel that I’m finally in the right place doing what I love. Looking for it has become an obsession. And obsession kills the joy.

An Obsessive Nature

It’s no secret and I know I have this side to me. Years ago, as I was talking to my Ayurveda therapist in Sweden – she had handed me a list of food I should eat less of – I said:

”Okay, I’m not supposed to eat this at all? Right!”
”No no no”, she answered. ”You can eat it if you feel like it. And make sure you enjoy it!
I’m just saying you should eat
less of this, and more of this.”

Then she showed me the other list. A list of food that was good for me. Ah, I see…

More than 4 years (well, my whole life really!) I have searched for my purpose. I haven’t been obsessive all the time, though. The insights and epiffanies come when I’m not struggling, and I have had a feeling I should write. Does writing come easy? Not really. And the doubt takes hold of me over and over again.

Tired Of The Fear

Another funny thing in this situation is that I can’t write a word when I’m obsessing. I also listen too much to other people, which helps me make the confusion bigger. Yeah, I’m terrified of writing. I long for it, but what if it’s not good enough? What if I write a book or a screenplay and nobody’s interested? Oh, how I fear that.

I thought taking classes in creative writing would help me. I’d have deadlines, fellow struggling writers and the help of a teacher. Instead I find myself feeling misunderstood. But if the readers don’t get my story shouldn’t I learn to do it ”the right way”? Or should I stick to my guns? I constantly get stuck between two fires – which keeps me from writing. Hahaha! It’s a silly game.

Jackhammers & Humming Birds

I’m tired. I see what goes on, but I don’t seem to be able to stop it. I’m tired of trying so hard. I want my life to be easy now. No more struggle. Then I saw this clip with author Elizabeth Gilbert. Suddenly it dawned on me. Maybe I’m a humming bird trying to be a jackhammer!? Maybe my way is to pollinate the world. I like that thought, because I love bringing people together. Maybe one day I will wake up realising I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.